This article has been building for years, like a spastic colon with no outlet. Today I have a pressing urge to eliminate, not just for myself, but also for all the other people like me out there. The thing is, it is Friday, and I’ve just had another onslaught from my relentless ex-husband via yet another letter from his attorney. I will now (finally) surrender my previously spastic sphincter and give birth to my excess baggage in the form of a letter to my ex-husband’s attorney.
Dear Mr. Attorney
I was married to your client for nearly 20 years. In that time we lived abroad, had great careers in a thriving European metropolis and started a family. These children turned out to be the most wonderful gift this marriage gave me. For this, I am eternally grateful, for the opening of my heart’s secret little chambers that I never knew even existed.
I am thankful for their sweet, fat nappy bottoms, for their first little wobbly steps on chubby legs, for their messy morning curls, their carroty baby breath and sloppy kisses. For their first words, first tooth, first match, first attempt with mascara and their first cheeky teenage beer. For their heartfelt “best mum in the world” birthday cards and for every sleepy hug. To share this journey, that is life, with these precious little people for whom my heart bursts with love, joy and pride is indeed a privilege. The love and loyalty I feel is immeasurable and the humbling lessons of parenting can never be unlearned. They make me a better person. I do have my marriage to thank for this.
But Mr. Attorney, the love of my children cannot mitigate what you perpetuate. Your client sadly suffers from what are probably multiple disorders that were expertly hidden over the years through masterful manipulation and self-delusion. These do certainly not exclude Narcissism and Addiction, as professionally diagnosed whilst in rehab. Thus, the inconvenient and undeniable truth is that your client suffers from highly disordered thinking. I am not the kind of woman to feel sorry for herself and with the best will in the world, I want to move on and be free to heal from years of passive cruelty and subjugation. However, for the purposes of giving birth to this letter, ventilation of his and your behavior is necessary.
I gave him the best years of my youthful femininity, I trusted him with my life and my body and was entirely devoted to both him and our little family. In this both rewarding and exhausting time, he (unbeknown to me) spent much of his time (and our money) philandering – he pursued and a secret rock and roll lifestyle for many years. He has more recently, moved our hard earned money into offshore accounts and paid back fictitious loans. He is from a wealthy family so while he can’t reach his heart, he can reach his pockets to pay you inordinate amounts of money to continue the pain well passed the shock and trauma of finding out that he led a horribly secret and expertly premeditated double life. Outside of our marriage, he engaged ruthlessly in risky behavior that put my health and well-being in serious jeopardy. He was such a brilliant con artist, that not even I realized quite what was going on until our universe literally imploded. Since the undeniable truth hit me between the eyes like a low-velocity lead bullet, I chose to exit the marriage. I did so with as much dignity and privacy as I could muster, for the sake of my children who cannot divorce their father’s reputation, much less align their innocent little minds to what is quite frankly, disgusting.
In granting my children the privacy, I kept quiet about his unspeakable misdemeanors. He knows this and it freaks him out that I hold this information in the palm of my hands which would expose his contrived reputation. Instead of grabbing the privacy offered with both calloused hands and for once, being a decent human after being caught with his underpants wrapped around is bum and ears and back again, his fragile “image of perfection” is so blown that he can not even apply his sense to be smart and leave me alone, offering us both a little shred of dignity. Instead, he has systematically set out to annihilate me, year after year. There is one purpose in this, to show the world, the friends, the therapists, the lawyers, the girlfriend, the children, that there is everything wrong with me and nothing with him, and you Mr. Attorney – are being paid to do this to another good human being, mostly every Friday afternoon, just in time to ruin a weekend.
To this end, the long-suffering divorcee’s Friday letter has been renamed. The Friday Fecal.
Our divorce is long finalized, but for a total of five (that would be FIVE) years now, I’ve had letter after letter from the various appointed vultures (the previous one was a woman) on Fridays. While I understand (and even at times sympathize) that he has “disordered thinking” due to his mental illness, you Mr. Attorney (academically) know what is wrong with him and you choose to be the conduit to perpetuate the misery to both me and his children, under the guise of “the children’s best interest”.
Do you really think the children can begin to understand that Daddy does this because he is ill, it makes him feel better. Most phone calls to me as their mother, is in a whisper. A teacher wrote to us this week when our child doubled over from another stomach ache, “your child’s stresses are that she feels saddened when her parents argue and she feels saddened when her parents cannot communicate either. She feels different to other children as she feels that other children’s parents can at least talk to each other and hers can’t”.
I am under no illusion, that as part of your qualification to become an attorney and ‘respected professional’, you have had to study the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) in depth. It should be safe to assume that you are well versed with the pathos of the beast that is a narcissist, described in the DSM-IV as “an inflated sense of self-importance and overestimation of own abilities. Abilities of others are devalued. Individuals lack the ability to accept criticism from others, often reacting to it in a destructive manner. They are unable to show empathy. Their constant need for admiration, sense of entitlement and preoccupation with the self, leads to poor interpersonal relationships. The symptoms tend to be of a chronic nature and are difficult to treat.”
At this point, for the benefit of the reader, I wish to explain this in plain English how this feels on the receiving end. I want to quote Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., a clinical expert on the narcissistic personality.
“Over and over again the narcissist attacks unmercifully in a verbal manner that is primitive and dirty. The incoming fire lasts an eternity. You can’t stand it. You are feeling sick from the impact of this bombardment. It feels like it will never end. Nothing is sacred to the narcissists out of control rage. It doesn’t matter if you are physically ill, if the children are very young and emotionally fragile, if you are completely innocent and not at fault, if you have done your best to give this person the best part of your life–nothing matters, except this prolonged attack on you at this particular time. This is the unleashing of the self-hatred of the very badly damaged real self of the narcissist in the form of psychological and emotional vomiting. Volcanic rage has a life and energy of its own. Just when you think it has subsided, it resumes with another cycle of assault and horror. He becomes manically carried away with the rage that controls every part of his being. Those who are children of narcissists, who are married to them, divorcing them, understand up close what it is like to be the recipient of this level of traumatic chaos.
The victimized spouse is usually out-lawyered. Narcissists hire hard-core legal barracudas that are so ruthless it makes your head spin. They are without a conscience, like their clients. “
So Mr. Attorney, due to your perpetuation of your client’s relentless onslaught, I have applied for a Protection Order from the courts. Whether not an ordinary woman standing in the dock without a cracked rib, black eye and hospital record, will be protected from a ruthless, disordered person with the pathological ability to make Mother Theresa look like Cruella de Vil, remains to be seen. We shall meet, even if I am not granted the Protection Order, at least I know I have taken a stand for myself; for my birthright to be free of abuse and manipulation. THAT surely is the biggest win for anyone breaking free from a long-standing abusive relationship, where there is systematic manipulation and seduction to create subservience and compliance.
Mr. Attorney, I am not professionally educated in litigation, although I have had an unfortunate and unsolicited crash course in a constipated, five-year divorce process, so please do pardon me if I am wrong. It is your most recent Friday Fecal, that caused me to finally put pen to paper. It is really so full of sanctimonious “horsesh*t” that I cannot help myself by pointing it out to you.
This example really typifies the tyranny of a divorcing or co-parenting with a Narcissist.
You and your client, Mr. Attorney, wrote to me last week to say that if I messaged your client to collect a child’s blazer/tie/uniform left at his house, or that a rehearsal/pick up time had changed, or communicated any need of any of our children whatsoever, that this would be insulting his ability to parent and that it would be “micromanaging” him. You thus wrote to mandate that absolutely any correspondence to him, however trivial would impair your client’s ability to function as a co-parent and thus I had to send all correspondence via my attorney first, then to you (that must be worth a fortune to you in billable time, but I digress). I am however blessed with an attorney (a man) who, thank the Pope, has a busy enough practice and is one of the few that would not be baited into the tap dance to profit from protracted litigious communication.
I then wrote to you, copying our child psychologist, asking you to confirm the protocol in writing, for communicating the children’s immediate needs in a time and cost-efficient manner, and to confirm if any factual short messages regarding the children, in particular, was indeed harassment?
(Harassment by the way is currently defined by Wikipedia as ”covers a wide range of behaviors of an offensive nature. It is commonly understood as behavior, which disturbs or upsets, and it is characteristically repetitive)
This must have worried you as your reply in your most recent Friday Fecal states the following “Our client notes your comment in respect of our recent e-mail, wherein you refer to the word” harassment” on a number of occasions. It is both our client’s and writer’s submission that at no stage was harassment stated or inferred and accordingly your conclusion is unfounded”.
Mr. Attorney, I am perplexed as an educated litigator, why you would write this as it completely contradicts your previous Friday Fecal received on your letterhead on which the ink is yet to dry.
You wrote: “you continue to harass our client on his cellphone, via e-mail and directly. It has now come to my client’s attention that you have blocked him from communicating with you on your cellphone and he will respond accordingly. Finally my client submits that your continued harassment can no longer be tolerated and advises that should you continue to harass him in whatsoever manner, or should it come to his attention that you have any way have tarnished his name, I am instructed to immediately approach the Court, wherein an Order will be sought interdicting you from continuing with your actions. In such an event I shall include a copy of this communication in my client’s pleadings and move for an appropriate costs order against you”
Firstly, let me remind you that I was the person who applied for the Protection Order. Your client is not the victim, but the defendant. Further the contrarian logic above that he has been blocked on my phone, but I harass him? The madness that results from disordered thinking thus seems to be worryingly contagious. In my humble opinion, it seems very much to me like vexatious litigation, from an attorney.
A quick Wiki education defined vexatious litigation as “legal action, which is brought, regardless of its merits, solely to harass or subdue an adversary. Repeated and severe instances by a single lawyer or firm can result in eventual disbarment. Because lawyers could be disbarred for participating in this abuse of the legal process, vexatious litigants are often unable to retain legal counsel, and such litigants therefore represent themselves in court. Those on the vexatious litigant list are usually either forbidden from any further legal action ”
On Monday, I will ask my decent attorney about more about that and I shall seek professional advice on how to stop BOTH of you from your relentless pursuit; his for the hit of dopamine a misogynist (a woman hater) gets from successfully pulling off another abusive and deliberately obstructive stunt, and yours I can only imagine must be for financial reward.
Finally Mr. Attorney (and professionals in divorce matters), I have a few pertinent questions for you:
- Would you ever invest in a company if you knew you would make it back threefold, but if made money from human trafficking ?
• Would you watch cruel and painful child pornography if nobody would catch you watching?
• Would you stand behind a tree and watch a man punch his wife repeatedly in the face and do nothing because nobody knew that you were there?
• Would drive your children while under the influence of alcohol if you knew there were no roadblocks on route home?
If your answer to any of the above is “No”, I must ask you why can you not apply your conscious to your professional choices? Why do you encourage on-going emotional abuse by being the conduit; by scratching the underbelly of the beast, by feeding the fire and being paid for it”?
For every parasitic divorce professional that knowingly allows the unstoppable (covert) spewing abuser to drag partners through protracted mediation and facilitation sessions, creating endless billable hours and litigious correspondence, not to mention creating further emotional trauma, you are profiting from another person’s utter misery and financial loss : Shame. On. You.
I so admire the attorney, hired by covert assholes, that eventually turns them way when he/she sees them for what they are; ruthless and cruel abusers. My hope and prayer is that victims of emotional abuse of highly disordered people, can find the right attorney that understands just how cruel, manipulative, provoking, unfeeling and financially greedy they can be; to be a much-needed filter and shield. I’ve had two vultures, both women, who carefully calculated their share of my estate when taking on my case and then did absolutely nothing to help protect me or expedite the matter (the longer the torment lasts, the more hours they can bill).
Mr. Attorney (or facilitator, mediator etc) – would you not rather be the professional that provides the filter for the madness, that uses your power to redirect to resolution and healing, so that your referrals are the kind of clients you would like to be surrounded with, abundantly? Would you not, even on the perpetrator’s side, dissuade the madness? Would you not rather know that that money you use to pay for your sweet little child’s school fees, did not harm another? Would you not rather the money you shared with your wife, did not destroy another woman?
There is one consolation and that is Café Karma really has no menu; you will get what you deserve. And that, really does conclude my very own Friday Fecal, which has been enormously cathartic and liberating. Sorry to dump it on you